When a man loves a woman

Sanne Burger

23 October 2013

Whenever you have the chance to talk to a teenager I’d say: go for it. Teenagers are brilliant. They are open, honest and sharp. They don’t take any bullshit, they are only interested in the truth. As soon as you give them anything else they will lose interest and turn to their games and smartphone again. So there’s your challenge, because you, as most adults, are probably full of bullshit. Speak the truth. Your level of honesty will synchronize with the time a teenager will grant you with listening. And while they listen you can actually learn something too, listening to yourself, actually making sense.
I had a great talk with a teenager the other day. It went like this:

What’s the purpose of lovemaking, beyond the fun, the fuzz and the babies?


Healing what?
Healing yourself, healing your lover, taking the past out.

By getting laid as much as you can?

By having a mutual or multi orgasm?

By falling in love and getting all ecstatic and blissful together?
Yes, partly. But falling in love is not only blissful, that’s only half of the story. There is another side to it, much darker than the fairy tales that you’ve been told about living happily ever after. They don’t tell you about it, because if you knew you would run. The point is: it’s no fun taking the past out of your lover. It’s hard work. It hurts. You have to be madly in love in order to make the effort.

relatie8Okay. so how it’s done?
It’s done by lovemaking, but it’s not a trick. It’s not a technique. It has to do with energy. If you are in love, if you make love, you exchange energy. That’s how you can actually feel the other person, that’s why the other person turns you on. It’s the energy that defines the difference between a doll and a person. It’s why she is special to you, why you want her and nobody else. Part of this life force is fresh and lovely, it flows naturally. It is happy. Another part of it is the past accumulated. It is rigid, stagnated and old. It is unhappy. It contains all the past hurt you experienced in your life, all the pain you were not able to get rid of. It contains all the beliefs and fears you have, everything that’s holding you back from being ecstatic and blissful, from feeling the love. I’m not just talking about girls being raped and men going to war, I am talking about life. We are all scarred, that just goes with it.

If the past is triggered in a woman she becomes emotional. She starts to argue, complain, demand and accuse. Instead of being happy she closes of and suddenly doesn’t trust you anymore, whatever you do. If the past is triggered in a man he becomes critical. He becomes impatient, overbearing and indifferent. So the question is: what can you do when the past is triggered? Many people see it as a sign that they should break up, as suddenly it’s no fun anymore, but that’s a mistake. We all carry the past with us. If you look for someone without a dark side you will look in vain, as many do.

Maybe we’re better off alone.
I don’t think we are. Men and women are each others opposites, both physically and energetically. We need each other. We can each absorb and digest the energy of the past from the other sex. That’s a tough process, but it’s beautiful as well. It’s why we fall in love in the first place, not because we want to make babies, but because we seek peace, we seek happiness, we seek healing. That’s why we are inevitably drawn to each other. Deep down we know the real thing is happening when a man loves a woman and a woman loves a man. Life wouldn’t be so amazing without us falling in love all the time. Of course you could become a celibate monk, but how many of us really dream of that?

relatieOkay. So how it’s done?
First you need to know something about the penis. The penis is not just a body part, in fact it is the man’s sixth sense. It is a highly sensitive radar and magnet for the energy of his lover. If he wants he can really feel her when he makes love to her; not only her body, but her soul as well, her deepest inner core. And when he loves her enough, when he’s not freaking out and when he can contain his excitement, he can absorb anything the woman releases without loosing his cool.

When you make love to a woman you are looking for the love in her, the finest, sweetest energy, the elixir that is held by the Holy Grail, the essence where beauty and grace are made of. But in order to reach that you have to burn first. You have to tame the dragon. You have to become a hero. Because when a woman makes love, really makes love to you, she can’t help but release whatever is inside of her. She can’t hold back her past, her emotions, memories, sorrow, fear and anger. She might try, as she only wants to give pleasure and love to you, but you will immediately sense she’s faking. A woman will sooner or later reveal her fury and pain, suddenly but unmistakably. When that happens, you shouldn’t run. Instead you should absorb it.

How will I know I’m doing it?
You will know, because it hurts. It is unmistakable. It doesn’t hurt physically, but energetically, emotionally and mentally it hurts like hell. It feels as if you are getting anything but what you were hoping for. It will make you doubt whether you actually love her, whether she’s crazy, whether you made the biggest mistake of your life hooking up with her. It will make you want to leave and forget about her, it will make you wonder whether masturbation might be the better option after all. It will make you feel really sorry for yourself. It will make you condemn and scorn all those people who hurt her in the past, because now you are paying for it. You are holding her pain, pain that you didn’t even inflict on her. No, it’s not fair. It’s love. That you will realize when eventually your woman will finally be able to relax, loving you for still being there. Then she will be able to release her true self, her innate softness and sweetness, her pure love. And it will all be for you, only for you, and then you will know why you didn’t run. It was all worth it.

But how about women? What do they do for us?
First of all, women don’t have a penis. They can’t penetrate a man physically and free him from his past like that. They have a different way to do it: they use their heart. Not their physical heart, but their heart center, the energy in their chest. It’s only energetic, hence invisible, but it’s as powerful as a man’s penis. A woman can penetrate a man with her heart. When your girlfriend does that you sometimes don’t even notice, you just feel her presence somehow. Sometimes it feels great, sometimes you wish her to back off and leave you alone. Haven’t you wondered how she can get under your skin that easily? That’s because she can penetrate you with her heart. Sometimes she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it herself. She can do it either to hurt you or to heal you, just like you can either abuse or heal her when you make love to her.

If she loves you she will only want to heal you, comfort you, make you happy. She will absorb your tension, your pain, your past in just the same way as you absorb hers. She won’t mind the fact that it hurts, that it’s tough. She will want to do it for you. In that sense there is no difference between men and women. Love is the deciding factor.

So this is what women want.
Yes, and men too. Freud had no idea, neither had Mel Gibson. Now you know more than the two combined. But the challenge is not to know it. Understanding is only the first step. The real challenge is doing it when you’re facing it and not chicken out.

But how is it done?
It’s about recognizing it for what it is. Never take it personal when your lover attacks you or gets all cranky and emotional. It’s about not walking away. I said it earlier: it’s not a technique. It’s a matter of love, of patience, of compassion, of forgiveness. It’s about being real.

relatie7You sound like a hippie.
Yeah, well, maybe the hippies did get it right after all. They were the first western generation to be inspired by yoga, kungfu and the Buddha himself, so it’s not that strange they actually learned something worthwhile. You don’t have to look like a hippie, just make love like a hippie. It’s all about love and peace. You just got the hint of the century, man. Now go and do it.


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