Someone asked me the other day
‘How does it feel to be a conspiracy theorist?’
‘How very kind of you to ask’ I replied
‘Allow me to explain it to you with an example

Imagine you are going to a wedding party…’
‘Oh, but that feels great’, my friend interrupted
‘Wait’ I said
‘There’s more
So, you go to a wedding party
At the door you have to pay entrance to some dodgy looking person in smoking
‘Why do I have to pay?’ you ask the dodgy looking person in smoking
‘Taxes’ the dodgy looking person in smoking says
You pay, slightly annoyed, but you don’t want to get in trouble

You go inside
It’s a big building
Looking for the party hall, you accidentally enter the kitchen
You see a team of cooks around the wedding cake
You smile, as the cake looks stunning
One of the cooks inserts a bright blue liquid into the cake
‘This will make them all braindead’ he says
‘Excuse me?’ you say
‘Did you just say braindead?’
They just notice you now and yell ‘Get out!
You’re not supposed to be here!’
You leave, confused and slightly worried
What was that all about?

You decide to go to the bathroom to wash your face and calm down a bit
When you enter the bathroom, you see a huge reptilian, bent over a little girl
‘What the fuck!’ you yell
Both the reptilian and the girl quickly turn towards you
They have empty, glazed over eyes
Then you look again and there’s your grandfather with your little niece
Grandpa smiles and says ‘Little Anny just needed some help, didn’t you, Anny?’
Anny nods, without smiling
‘Well, don’t you stand there like a fool’, grandpa says
‘Get out!’
You leave and decide to find the office
What’s going on here?
You need to find out

You find the office
The door is open
There is no one inside
You decide to snoop around a bit
There’s an open laptop on the main desk
You see the logo of the wedding planners
It shows two reptilians in a tight embrace
‘What the fuck’ you think
You scroll through a few files and find a bill
100.000 dollars for the wedding cake
Paid for by grandpa
‘Wait, what?’ you say out loud

Now you are in a state of alarm
You run through the building, looking for the party hall
Finally, you find it
You storm in
There’s a bunch of guests already
Your sister looks stunning in her wedding dress
Yes, it’s your sister’s wedding
‘Guys’, you yell, ‘something really bad is going on here!
The kitchen staff, the wedding planners and even grandpa are in on it!’
The music stops
Everybody turns to look at you
And then your sister says:
‘How could you, Steven?
Why do you always spoil everything?
Just shut up and let me be happy for once, okay?
Just because you are a loser, doesn’t mean you have the right to fuck up my wedding party, have you?
So, either you shut up, sit down, drink your bloody champagne and eat a piece of cake
Or leave’

So you leave, sad and worried
What can you do?
At the door the dodgy looking smoking in smoking is still there
He wants you to pay again
‘Why the hell do I have to pay again?’ you shout
‘Taxes’ he says
‘And I am armed, for your security, so you better pay’ he adds

So, this is how it feels to be a conspiracy theorist
Can you imagine?’ I said
‘Yeah, I do’ my friend replied
‘You are all crazy
Haven’t you heard of Blue Curaçao?
That stuff they put in the cake wasn’t poison, man
That was just to top it off’

Sanne Burger
sanneburger.com