Sex is messy

 

There is no such thing as perfect sex
It is categorically impossible
There are just too many things that can go wrong

Like you don’t get hard
You can’t stay hard
You can’t get wet
You get too wet
You come too fast
You can’t come at all
It takes ages for you to come
He wants you to come
But the more you try
The less you can
You want him not to come
But the more he tries
The less he can control himself

Or the condom doesn’t fit
You become soft whilst trying to put it on
The condom turns her off
The condom turns you off
The condom smells like garage
The condom gets lost inside of her
The condom sucks

Or it somehow hurts
It is uncomfortable
You get sand between your cheeks
You have too many clothes on
You are in too much of a rush
It’s not the right place
It’s not the right time
It’s too cold
It’s too warm
It’s too busy
It’s too late
You are too wasted
But you try anyway
Fumbling in the darkness
Still wearing your socks
Pants around your ankles
Feeling rather clumsy

Or you get your period mid sex
Or you suddenly have to cry
Without knowing why
Making him feel insecure
‘Did I do something wrong?’
‘No, it wasn’t you’
‘Is there someone else?’
‘No, no, just let me be’
Game over

Or he suddenly does something weird
That turns you off completely
But how to say it without hurting him?
Or you want him to do something
But are afraid to ask
Or you fall asleep during the act
Or he falls asleep during the act
On top of you
And he is definitely too heavy
So you roll him off of you
But he falls off the bed
And on to the floor

Or you liked it at the start
But now you don’t like it anymore
You want to stop
But you don’t know how
Or you notice that you are composing a shopping list in your head
Or you suddenly feel like washing your hair
Or you think that he should have washed his hair
Or you decide to wash the sheets tomorrow
And whilst you think these thoughts
He is doing his best
And you wonder what is wrong with you
You don’t want to admit that you’re bored
Even to yourself
Because that’s not how sex is supposed to be
Sex should be hot and passionate
You should be hot and passionate
Not messy and boring

Or afterwards he says it was the best sex ever
Whilst you thought it was rather mediocre
Or on the contrary
You are madly in love
You know he’s the one
You completely merge during sex
But then he suddenly says
‘Hey babe, I’d love to have a threesome one day
How about it?’

Or you suddenly notice that you don’t like his smell
You’ve never smelled him that strongly before
You become somewhat repulsed
But you feel guilty
So you don’t say anything
However, the turnoff is a fact
Or whilst making love
You suddenly start missing your ex madly
Or he starts sharing details about his sexual experiences with other women
Or worse, about their perfect bodies
And you wonder
What the heck?

Or he wants to talk dirty
But it only makes you giggle
Or he falls asleep after his orgasm
Barely able to say: ‘Sorry, babe…’
And there you are
Lying next to him
Half aroused, half annoyed
Wondering what to do
But masturbating now just feels lonely
So you do nothing
You just stare at the ceiling
Feeling sorry for yourself
And for that aroused body of yours
That has been so neglected
You already know that you will have a fight tomorrow

Or you notice that your lover is watching himself whilst you have sex
He’s been working out and his toned muscles arouse him
Which makes you feel like a fitness tool
Or you notice how he needs visual stimulus to feel anything at all
So he doesn’t look at you but your genitals
Making you feel a bit left out

Or you don’t feel anything
Or you are convinced that he doesn’t feel anything
Or your breasts hurt
Or your nipples are suddenly oversensitive
Or your legs start to ache
Or you suddenly want to eat French fries
Or you notice you are fantasising about someone else
How embarrassing
Or he says he is fantasising about someone else
How dare he?
Or he wants you to come to a kink party with him
Whilst really, that’s the last thing you want to do
You are totally out of sync
How can you have sex like this?

Or he always prefers it one particular way
Missionary style
Which you find utterly boring
Or he wants you to say how big his manhood is
Whilst that is not true
Or you want him to use his hands
Or his tongue
Which he never does
Or his timing is always wrong
Or you have a headache
Or you are both too tired from work
For a few years now

Or he has promised sex
But when you come home
He’s fallen asleep on the couch
Or you want a child
But he doesn’t
Or the other way around
So you stop having sex altogether

Or you want to have sex all of the time
And he only wants to cuddle
Or watch Netflix
Or he wants to have sex all of the time
But you don’t see the point
Or you’ve been together for too long
And sex has become a routine
You don’t expect anything of it anymore
But you still do it
Because why not?

Or you are so madly in love
That you expect way too much
And it becomes a big disappointment
Or you thought that your relationship was monogamous
And then he tells you that he has several other lovers
Or you thought that you could trust her
And then she tells you that she’s having an affair

Or you have done so many tantra courses
That no man will ever live up to your demands
No man will ever be able to rise to your level
How will you ever find someone as advanced as you?
It’s lonely at the top
Or he has done so many tantra courses
That you feel you are in class when you have sex
Is there no end to his demands?
How much pleasure is enough?

Or his manhood is simply too small for you
You can hardly feel him
Or he’s too big
So you can’t really receive him
And it doesn’t feel right
It just doesn’t fit
Maybe it even hurts
But you don’t want to hurt his feelings
So you don’t say anything
You tell yourself that he can’t help it
Which is true
But you feel unsatisfied
Time after time
And you think of divorce

Or the phone rings
Or the kids are crying
Or your parents are visiting in an hour
You can’t concentrate
You can’t relax
You are tired
You are lazy
Or you just can’t be bothered
You’ve lost count anyway
How often do we have to do this anyway?
For real!

Or he wants you to wear lingerie
But you feel like Celeste Barber
You don’t feel sexy at all
He doesn’t think that you’re sexy, either
So the lingerie effort is an epic fail
He doesn’t think he’s sexy either
With or without lingerie
You are both too self-conscious
You try to laugh about it
But actually you want to cry
Cry in each other’s arms
Instead of having hot, steamy sex
You feel more like teddy bears
Or walruses
Nothing feline about you
You wonder, ‘Is that bad?’
It all feels a bit demanding

There is no such thing as perfect sex
It is categorically impossible
There are just too many things that can go wrong
It is always messy
In a thousand different ways
You never know how it will be
And that’s how it’s supposed to be

Be messy
Be confused
Be confusing
Be unpredictable
Be boring
Be bored
Be blunt
Be dirty
Be demanding
Be shy
Be insecure
Be distracted
Be frustrated
It’s all part of the game
The game of love

Sanne Burger
sanneburger.com

Picture: Rob Woodcox

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