When I did ayahuasca for the first time, I thought I had nothing to lose.
I was approaching 50, I thought my kids didn’t need me, I just lost the love of my life, I was utterly heart broken, I felt abandoned by my whole family, I had no house, no job and I had just moved to the other side of the world, trying to get away from it all.
I was trying to get away from my despair, but in fact I was more desperate than ever.
I thought: either I die, which means this will all end, or something will change.
It was a win-win situation.
In retrospect, I don’t think despair is a good reason to do ayahuasca at all.
I would never recommend it to anyone.
However, it worked for me.
Mother Aya was merciful and showed me what I needed to see.
First of all, she showed me how important I was to my children, something I had never realized before.
I had never understood the bond between mother and child.
It brought back meaning to my role as a mother.
Secondly, she taught me about love.
She showed me how personal love was one thing, but love was something completely different.
She showed me how I had been stuck in a pattern of trying to find love through romantic projection.
I would make the reflection of love, in the form of my man, more important than love itself.
Hence I would make myself dependent on the object of my love.
That of course was devastating, because if in that case the man would disappear, love would disappear.
She explained to me that this was not the case.
Also, she opened my senses to the beauty, joy and magic of being alive.
I got my taste for life back.
And she showed me where on the way I had lost myself.
She was far from fluffy, she was as precise as a surgeon.
She was a spiritual surgeon who was operating on my soul.
She took away the shame, the blame, the guilt and the self-loathing.
She showed me the bigger picture.
She showed me that in my most shameful, guilt ridden moments I actually had been innocent.
I just didn’t know.
She showed me the effect of trauma.
She showed me the true battle of life, the battle between love and that which is not love.
The battle between the powers that want to destroy the essence of human kind and the powers that want to protect just that.
She reminded me of the choice I had made.
She looked me in the eye and said: “Do you remember that before you were born, you agreed to what was to come?”
I said: “Yes, I remember.”
I really did.
And then she asked: “Do you remember why you agreed?”
And I answered: “Yes, I remember.
I agreed because I love humanity.
Because there is so much healing needed within the human realm.”
And she asked: “Do you remember what your particular assignment was?
Do you remember what exactly you committed to?”
And I said: “Yes, I remember.
I committed to help with healing the collective wound between man and woman, the separation that has occurred because of the misunderstanding of sexual energy, where as a result sex has become destructive, a means to oppress, manipulate, subject and abuse.
I have chosen to come here to help heal that trauma.”
And she asked: “Do you understand now why you had to go through what you went through?”
And I saw it so clearly and I said: “Yes. Yes, yes.”
And then she said: “Well, in that case you don’t need me anymore.
You have remembered your task in life.
You have remembered how incredibly meaningful you are.
You have remembered your responsibility, so go live.
Pick up the pieces and continue on your path.
Heal, learn, teach.”
Mother Aya was a tough teacher.
She was not pampering me at all, but she kicked my ass.
It was tough love.
Since then I have never felt utterly desperate anymore.
When feelings of despair come up – which they definitely do – I know what they are about and therefore I can re-adjust.
It’s like I have become better at navigating the deep waters of sorrow.
I do not drown anymore.
Please understand that ayahuasca is not a recreational drug.
It is a karmic choice.
It is a risk.
You have to be careful.
She will force you to wake up.
She is not about half-measures.
She is a spiritual surgeon.
She will not spare you.
She will put you to work.
You need to be ready, because she will turn your life upside down.
It will most likely hurt, because change often hurts.
The thing she dislikes the most though, is when you don’t take her serious.
Never do an ayahuasca ceremony for fun, because she will not approve of it and this you will definitely feel.